Losing His Place In Time – Love, Cancer And A Failing Mind

I spent 5 months visiting my brother almost every day as he suffered from terminal stage-4 non-small cell lymphatic cancer that was caused by smoking.  Every day I tried to understand how he saw the world and how he viewed what was happening to him through the veil of his Paranoid Schizophrenia. This story is my interpretation how he viewed the world. I am writing this as therapy for myself mostly, but also as a way of showing how terrifying life can be for people with severe mental illness.

George Saves NY
George Saves NY

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They were calling him back again, moving backwards in time was always harder than moving forward.  Near the end there was so much boredom, sitting around waiting for something, never sure what. There was less pain, the nurse would come every few hours and give him another dose of Oxycodone. Near the end he knew he was addicted, but he didn’t care. Normally it was not permissible to dabble in the addictions of men, but for his rank and pay grade no one would really notice. Besides he was so close to retirement anyway.

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My Struggle To Find A Brother I Didn’t Know I Had

George seemed happiest when he was being visited by those who loved him
George seemed happiest when he was being visited by those who loved him

What am I doing here?
I would ask myself time and again
Sitting by your bed
No god would Amen

Day after day, month after month
I would pray twice a day that your sorrow would end
you fought and you fought and would not ascend
I could not understand, till I would be your friend

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The Most Intense Dancing Weekend Of My Life

contraI went to the Dance Flurry 3 hours away
Why I decided to go, I can’t quite say
So many from Ithaca seemed to go there
Curiosity would kill this cat with some flair

I showed up not knowing what I would find
Techno Contra? Are these people out of their mind
The first night I danced to 2:30 in the morn
Under black lights and glow sticks I was reborn

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How Megadosing On Vitamin B3/Niacin Saved My Life

It’s time for people to stop being afraid of being stigmatized and start having a real conversation about mental illness. This article is the first step for me.

hatteras

To say that the last year of my life has been the most challenging year ever would be a drastic understatement. There was 3 months where every single day I wanted to end my life. I constantly fantasized about suicide, I would have done anything to ease the pain. It started like most tragic stories start, with a girl.

Her name was Elise and I was madly in love with her. The courtship lasted a year and it was the most intense set of experiences I’ve had in my life. We were like two reactive chemicals, when we were together something unpredictable would always happen. The energy was insane in every way, and there was no boundaries, nothing was off-limits. Like most passionate romances, after a year it came to an equally spectacular ending. For a month after we separated I was elated, then I unwisely spent time with her again and the turmoil began. Half of me knew I could never have anything remotely functional with this woman, the other half was completely convinced that I could somehow make it work. I became a man at war with myself.

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Dumpster Diving and Bumper Tag – The Tale of a Disillusioned Youth

volvo

19 years old
the story be told
All I can recall
was the insanity of it all

I drove in a Volvo without any doors
with the Police Dept I was constantly at wars
We played this game called bumper tag
we’d hit our friend’s cars, they had no airbag

Then we’d drive out with a frenzied haste
and ignore all the rules of the road as we’re chased
We’d run red lights and stop signs all over town
until the other car would run us down

Then we’d get hit and have to sit still
to anyone watching we’d look mentally ill
then the chase would begin anew
I really don’t know how I ever got though

Living in abandon buildings was just a haze
Dumpster food and coffee, life felt like a maze
Everything hurt, pain was the norm
Dancing in moshpits became an art form

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The Last Birthday Song

Abandoned Psychiatric Hospital

 

I stood in a room
There was so much gloom
surrounded by strangers
and unspoken dangers

All the men and the women in this room were lost
For all the folks here some line had been crossed
‘Behavioral ward’ was what it was called
If you ended up here, you would be appalled

For I directed myself to the ‘psych ward’
with my brother whom I completely adored
To celebrate his 52ed trip around the sun
As my heart swelled with cheer a sweet song begun

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My Journey To That Place I Most Fear

georgeI hit the call button and waited
With breath that was baited
Outside the psyche ward
For the brother I adored

The nurse finally came
But I was not quite the same
As I was the last time I was there
I was given quite a scare
By a girl with a different name

Seven years ago
A woman I used to know
Love cannot measure
How much I did treasure
This girl who changed my life so

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Falling In Love …. With Contra Again

I had seen you before
out on the dance floor
at this place and that
always dancing, but no chat

When you walked up to me
that fateful night
I felt frozen in fear
like a deer in headlights

In that breathtaking gown
with your eyes on fire
time just slowed down
like a bird on a wire

I slowly reached out
and the moment we touched
an energy surged through me
I got such a rush

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Iceland II: The Revenge Of Ring Road

“Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation” ― Khalil GibranThe Prophet

Our trip to Iceland started out in the worst sort of way.  There was a lot of drama around my separation with my Ex-girlfriend.  She was supposed to go to Iceland with Orion and I, but the plane ticket I bought for her ended up going to waste.  I talked to Orion’s mom about all the trouble with my Ex-girlfriend and she still trusted me enough to go with Orion to Iceland. To call her a saint would be an understatement. I feel so blessed to have so many people who love me and trust me more than I trust myself at times.

We drove to JFK and I knew things were going to be rough when Orion threw up in the parking lot.  He threw up 3 more times on the plane, the woman sitting next to us in my Ex’s seat was very pleasant about the whole thing.  I couldn’t help wishing that she was with us, her backing out on the Iceland trip was really hard on me. I knew that I would have to find a way to deal with it as soon as possible, otherwise it would do nothing but interfere with Orion and I having a good time together. There was serious rifts that had come between Orion and I between his struggles in public school. No matter what came I knew I had to be focused and present for him throughout the entire trip, whatever sacrifices that meant that I would have to make for myself.

Soaking up the sights. The first in our ‘Puking all over Iceland’ series

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Kiteboarding, Hydrofoiling & Kayaking In The Magdalene Islands, The Secret French-Canadian Paradise

Orion and I have discovered a French Canadian paradise a mere 25 hours north of here. For 2 weeks we spent every day playing on the beach and having amazing adventures all over the island. We discovered an abandoned cargo ship, an island full of nesting baby birds, as well as countless caves all over the island.

The ghost ship
The ghost ship

We drove 10 hours to Acadia in Maine and had awesome Wild blueberry pancakes and my yearly lobster omelette at Jordans. Afterwards we hiked the Beehive trail (Precipice was closed) and then hung out on the beach for several hours. There was a baby seal that had climbed out to sun itself that was so adorable. I so wanted to club it, doesn’t everyone fantasize about clubbing baby seals? After chilling on the beach for several hours we setup and played a boardgame next to all my spraypaint art and I managed to sell several pieces.

We headed out to Canada and drove another 10 hours to the ferry. I setup my artwork on the ferry to sell, but the captain of the ship didn’t have such a good sense of humor about that. The ferry was huge, like a cruiseliner with 5 decks and a movie theater, arcade, cafeteria, bar and restaurant. The kids loved running around and playing hide and seek on the ship, and they had 5.5 hrs to do it. The ferry was insanely expensive, I paid $200 each way and Norman with his schoolbus paid almost $500 each way. We made arrangements to arrive a day early for a huge party. The first night was a huge party where almost everyone on the island attended. There was some fantastic Quebecian music that I loved dancing like a crazy person to. Everyone was super friendly, although many of the people I talked to who lived on the island spoke no English at all.

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