How Suicide Leaves A Deep Rift Where Once There Was Love

On February 24, 2015 By Karl GessleinIn Depression, Lifestyle and Health, Love, Poetry, Self-Improvement1 Comment

Dez, Matt, Jops. It’s hard for me to even type those names without starting to cry. Three people I has so much love for made the same choice, to end their own lives. This article is not about their choices, but about the rift that it leaves in its wake.

What do I say about those that are gone? Why did you leave? Why didn’t you ask for help? What more could I have done. The questions haunt me year after year. As someone who has struggled with severe depression for most of my life, I know what it’s like to feel overwhelmed and lost in the world. Somehow I never gave up. Somehow I just put my head down and kept pushing on. For those that chose to give up, it is the emptiness in the ones they love behind that is so moving to me.

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The Desert Wept At Our Passing, And Is Once Again Left Alone

On September 8, 2014September 8, 2014 By Karl GessleinIn Contact Improv, Dance, Lifestyle and Health, Love, Poetry, Self-Improvement, TravelLeave a comment

70,000 people came and went where none were before. A place so barren it is without insects, and yet I saw a hawk swooping through our camp at dusk.

Black Rock City. A place like no other on earth. You have either been there and know it, or you are an outsider. There is no in between.

There is no place I feel more alive, more insane, more in touch with the emptiness inside my own soul. That personal struggle to add meaning to an intrinsically meaningless life.

I didn’t want to go, but I had already bought a ticket and a plane ride, there was no turning back. Doug and I planned for months to build a giant 22 foot walking puppet bug we were going to stride across the playa with. I knew it would be a nightmare building it there, it always is. I knew the wind would make our lives miserable as we tried to cart around this giant creation. Last year I built a 43 foot tall puppet man and moved it around with 6 others on guide wires. I swore never again, but here I was building this bug in the middle of nowhere, right back at it again.

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The Most Unreasonable Commitment Ceremony Ever Held In The Middle Of Cayuga Lake

On August 7, 2014 By Karl GessleinIn Dance, Lifestyle and Health, Love, Poetry3 Comments

It’s so rare in life that everything goes your way. So often we spend our days battling with entropy as our world seems to stay in a perpetual state of near disasters. It’s rare that everything goes right, and even rarer that this happens on the day that you commit yourself to another. Nature has always been my religion, the place I go to find peace and solace. It seemed fitting that Thilde and I would say our vows to each other in the middle of the body of water I had grown to love the most, Cayuga Lake.

The sound of over a hundred kayaks, canoes and standup paddleboards bumping together as the waves rolled by. We hadn’t rehearsed the words we were going to say, but that was fine because life wasn’t meant to be rehearsed. I was lucky enough to choose to be with a woman who cared little for words anyway. Thilde was a woman who cherished actions and affection over words. We had made it this far, and convinced 150 people to gather themselves together in the middle of Cayuga Lake for a most unconventional ceremony to celebrate our love.

The Beautiful Bride to be - Photo by Frank Muller — The Beautiful Bride to be – Photo by Frank Muller

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Gifts I Never Wanted But Could Never Refuse

On March 14, 2013March 15, 2013 By Karl GessleinIn Lifestyle and Health, Love, PoetryLeave a comment

Gifts are something we always adore
Throughout the year it’s something we wait for
Given from those we love with our hearts
Bought from a store or made with the arts

There is one kind of gift that we receive with great dread
It’s the gifts we receive when our loved ones are dead
They bring back the memories of the struggle with life
The torment, the heartache, the hardship, the strife

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Death Is Infectious

On March 4, 2013March 5, 2013 By Karl GessleinIn Depression, Lifestyle and Health, Love, Poetry1 Comment

Death. I walked into the room
Nothing was there but heartache and gloom
I saw my parents there,
They were sitting in chairs

Then I saw you on the bed
You were gone, you were dead
All that was left was an empty shell
A pile of meat that would soon start to smell

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My Struggle To Find A Brother I Didn’t Know I Had

On February 27, 2013 By Karl GessleinIn Depression, Lifestyle and Health, Love, PoetryLeave a comment

George seemed happiest when he was being visited by those who loved him

What am I doing here?
I would ask myself time and again
Sitting by your bed
No god would Amen

Day after day, month after month
I would pray twice a day that your sorrow would end
you fought and you fought and would not ascend
I could not understand, till I would be your friend

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The Most Intense Dancing Weekend Of My Life

On February 18, 2013February 18, 2013 By Karl GessleinIn Contra, Dance, Poetry1 Comment

I went to the Dance Flurry 3 hours away
Why I decided to go, I can’t quite say
So many from Ithaca seemed to go there
Curiosity would kill this cat with some flair

I showed up not knowing what I would find
Techno Contra? Are these people out of their mind
The first night I danced to 2:30 in the morn
Under black lights and glow sticks I was reborn

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Dumpster Diving and Bumper Tag – The Tale of a Disillusioned Youth

On February 12, 2013November 14, 2014 By Karl GessleinIn Lifestyle and Health, Poetry3 Comments

19 years old
the story be told
All I can recall
was the insanity of it all

I drove in a Volvo without any doors
with the Police Dept I was constantly at wars
We played this game called bumper tag
we’d hit our friend’s cars, they had no airbag

Then we’d drive out with a frenzied haste
and ignore all the rules of the road as we’re chased
We’d run red lights and stop signs all over town
until the other car would run us down

Then we’d get hit and have to sit still
to anyone watching we’d look mentally ill
then the chase would begin anew
I really don’t know how I ever got though

Living in abandon buildings was just a haze
Dumpster food and coffee, life felt like a maze
Everything hurt, pain was the norm
Dancing in moshpits became an art form

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The Last Birthday Song

On February 7, 2013February 7, 2013 By Karl GessleinIn Depression, Love, PoetryLeave a comment

I stood in a room
There was so much gloom
surrounded by strangers
and unspoken dangers

All the men and the women in this room were lost
For all the folks here some line had been crossed
‘Behavioral ward’ was what it was called
If you ended up here, you would be appalled

For I directed myself to the ‘psych ward’
with my brother whom I completely adored
To celebrate his 52ed trip around the sun
As my heart swelled with cheer a sweet song begun

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My Journey To That Place I Most Fear

On January 31, 2013February 2, 2015 By Karl GessleinIn Depression, Love, Poetry1 Comment

I hit the call button and waited
With breath that was baited
Outside the psyche ward
For the brother I adored

The nurse finally came
But I was not quite the same
As I was the last time I was there
I was given quite a scare
By a girl with a different name

Seven years ago
A woman I used to know
Love cannot measure
How much I did treasure
This girl who changed my life so

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Awaken Spirit

Category: Poetry