My 40th Trip Around The Sun From That Fateful Day I Was Forced To Leave My Mama’s Womb

Turning 41.

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When I turned 40 I still felt fantastic, my life was not perfect, but I felt like I could deal pretty well. My life had been really good, for a long time.  Sometimes it felt too good to be true, like I was trapped in a fairy tale. I had so much to be thankful for, so much gratitude every day for the good things in my life.

Then everything crumbled. I felt like I was watching 9/11 unfold in my own life, watching those buildings fall down again and again on every channel. Over the years I had known tragedy and calamity but also moments of great joy and ecstasy. My life had become just too good, like a junkie running dry it was all going to end.

My mind started to slip, I became unraveled. In the darkest depths of the darkest moments of my life I never imagined that I could feel so low. It didn’t let up. Everything important that I cared about just slipped away.

My work, my relationship with my son and his mother, my friends, my passion for life. A darkness descended upon my soul the likes of which I never imagined I would have to endure. Yet somehow I made it through. Months went by and every day was a struggle, my sadness became the strangest puzzle I had ever tried to solve.

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Gifts I Never Wanted But Could Never Refuse

Gifts are something we always adorebaffin
Throughout the year it’s something we wait for
Given from those we love with our hearts
Bought from a store or made with the arts

There is one kind of gift that we receive with great dread
It’s the gifts we receive when our loved ones are dead
They bring back the memories of the struggle with life
The torment, the heartache, the hardship, the strife

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Losing His Place In Time – Love, Cancer And A Failing Mind

I spent 5 months visiting my brother almost every day as he suffered from terminal stage-4 non-small cell lymphatic cancer that was caused by smoking.  Every day I tried to understand how he saw the world and how he viewed what was happening to him through the veil of his Paranoid Schizophrenia. This story is my interpretation how he viewed the world. I am writing this as therapy for myself mostly, but also as a way of showing how terrifying life can be for people with severe mental illness.

George Saves NY
George Saves NY

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They were calling him back again, moving backwards in time was always harder than moving forward.  Near the end there was so much boredom, sitting around waiting for something, never sure what. There was less pain, the nurse would come every few hours and give him another dose of Oxycodone. Near the end he knew he was addicted, but he didn’t care. Normally it was not permissible to dabble in the addictions of men, but for his rank and pay grade no one would really notice. Besides he was so close to retirement anyway.

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My Struggle To Find A Brother I Didn’t Know I Had

George seemed happiest when he was being visited by those who loved him
George seemed happiest when he was being visited by those who loved him

What am I doing here?
I would ask myself time and again
Sitting by your bed
No god would Amen

Day after day, month after month
I would pray twice a day that your sorrow would end
you fought and you fought and would not ascend
I could not understand, till I would be your friend

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The Last Birthday Song

Abandoned Psychiatric Hospital

 

I stood in a room
There was so much gloom
surrounded by strangers
and unspoken dangers

All the men and the women in this room were lost
For all the folks here some line had been crossed
‘Behavioral ward’ was what it was called
If you ended up here, you would be appalled

For I directed myself to the ‘psych ward’
with my brother whom I completely adored
To celebrate his 52ed trip around the sun
As my heart swelled with cheer a sweet song begun

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My Journey To That Place I Most Fear

georgeI hit the call button and waited
With breath that was baited
Outside the psyche ward
For the brother I adored

The nurse finally came
But I was not quite the same
As I was the last time I was there
I was given quite a scare
By a girl with a different name

Seven years ago
A woman I used to know
Love cannot measure
How much I did treasure
This girl who changed my life so

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Falling In Love …. With Contra Again

I had seen you before
out on the dance floor
at this place and that
always dancing, but no chat

When you walked up to me
that fateful night
I felt frozen in fear
like a deer in headlights

In that breathtaking gown
with your eyes on fire
time just slowed down
like a bird on a wire

I slowly reached out
and the moment we touched
an energy surged through me
I got such a rush

Continue reading “Falling In Love …. With Contra Again”