My 40th Trip Around The Sun From That Fateful Day I Was Forced To Leave My Mama’s Womb

Turning 41.

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When I turned 40 I still felt fantastic, my life was not perfect, but I felt like I could deal pretty well. My life had been really good, for a long time.  Sometimes it felt too good to be true, like I was trapped in a fairy tale. I had so much to be thankful for, so much gratitude every day for the good things in my life.

Then everything crumbled. I felt like I was watching 9/11 unfold in my own life, watching those buildings fall down again and again on every channel. Over the years I had known tragedy and calamity but also moments of great joy and ecstasy. My life had become just too good, like a junkie running dry it was all going to end.

My mind started to slip, I became unraveled. In the darkest depths of the darkest moments of my life I never imagined that I could feel so low. It didn’t let up. Everything important that I cared about just slipped away.

My work, my relationship with my son and his mother, my friends, my passion for life. A darkness descended upon my soul the likes of which I never imagined I would have to endure. Yet somehow I made it through. Months went by and every day was a struggle, my sadness became the strangest puzzle I had ever tried to solve.

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Death Is Infectious

Death. I walked into the room
Nothing was there but heartache and gloom
I saw my parents there,
They were sitting in chairs

Then I saw you on the bed
You were gone, you were dead
All that was left was an empty shell
A pile of meat that would soon start to smell

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Losing His Place In Time – Love, Cancer And A Failing Mind

I spent 5 months visiting my brother almost every day as he suffered from terminal stage-4 non-small cell lymphatic cancer that was caused by smoking.  Every day I tried to understand how he saw the world and how he viewed what was happening to him through the veil of his Paranoid Schizophrenia. This story is my interpretation how he viewed the world. I am writing this as therapy for myself mostly, but also as a way of showing how terrifying life can be for people with severe mental illness.

George Saves NY
George Saves NY

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They were calling him back again, moving backwards in time was always harder than moving forward.  Near the end there was so much boredom, sitting around waiting for something, never sure what. There was less pain, the nurse would come every few hours and give him another dose of Oxycodone. Near the end he knew he was addicted, but he didn’t care. Normally it was not permissible to dabble in the addictions of men, but for his rank and pay grade no one would really notice. Besides he was so close to retirement anyway.

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My Struggle To Find A Brother I Didn’t Know I Had

George seemed happiest when he was being visited by those who loved him
George seemed happiest when he was being visited by those who loved him

What am I doing here?
I would ask myself time and again
Sitting by your bed
No god would Amen

Day after day, month after month
I would pray twice a day that your sorrow would end
you fought and you fought and would not ascend
I could not understand, till I would be your friend

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How Megadosing On Vitamin B3/Niacin Saved My Life

It’s time for people to stop being afraid of being stigmatized and start having a real conversation about mental illness. This article is the first step for me.

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To say that the last year of my life has been the most challenging year ever would be a drastic understatement. There was 3 months where every single day I wanted to end my life. I constantly fantasized about suicide, I would have done anything to ease the pain. It started like most tragic stories start, with a girl.

Her name was Elise and I was madly in love with her. The courtship lasted a year and it was the most intense set of experiences I’ve had in my life. We were like two reactive chemicals, when we were together something unpredictable would always happen. The energy was insane in every way, and there was no boundaries, nothing was off-limits. Like most passionate romances, after a year it came to an equally spectacular ending. For a month after we separated I was elated, then I unwisely spent time with her again and the turmoil began. Half of me knew I could never have anything remotely functional with this woman, the other half was completely convinced that I could somehow make it work. I became a man at war with myself.

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The Last Birthday Song

Abandoned Psychiatric Hospital

 

I stood in a room
There was so much gloom
surrounded by strangers
and unspoken dangers

All the men and the women in this room were lost
For all the folks here some line had been crossed
‘Behavioral ward’ was what it was called
If you ended up here, you would be appalled

For I directed myself to the ‘psych ward’
with my brother whom I completely adored
To celebrate his 52ed trip around the sun
As my heart swelled with cheer a sweet song begun

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My Journey To That Place I Most Fear

georgeI hit the call button and waited
With breath that was baited
Outside the psyche ward
For the brother I adored

The nurse finally came
But I was not quite the same
As I was the last time I was there
I was given quite a scare
By a girl with a different name

Seven years ago
A woman I used to know
Love cannot measure
How much I did treasure
This girl who changed my life so

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